lauren kind of alluded to the stuff going on with my Grandmother and mentioned that she might be more worried about it than she is willing to admit. this made me feel so much better because i've been feeling the same way.
it's the type of thing that requires me to be strong FOR other people. i have not perfected this quality in my life. in fact i suck at it....a lot. i'm going to chalk it up to being the youngest and not really having to put on a brave face for any younger siblings. i can be strong for my friends and family, but most often i'm best at it when it doesn't directly effect me emotionally. i've mentioned before that my mom is very careful not to let anyone else tell me difficult things and that, while it's understandable based on my past reactions, it's frustrating because i am no longer 15 years old and can handle things much better than i have been able to in the past.
it doesn't feel like that now. i think, you know what, yeah, she's right to be so careful. i'm a mess. haha. i'm happy she's careful and waits to tell me first and let's me ask my questions and get everything out. then, a couple days pass and i think i'm doing okay, but the next thing happens and i worry some more about new things and the worrying goes up to the next level and i'm just not a fun person to be around. i try to be and i distract myself, but i am not good at hiding how i feel.
i feel worried and mopey and over-emotional. i mean i cleaned last night. cleaned! i threw stuff away like there's no tomorrow. and there's still more to do and i'm happy about it. if i had the luxury of space to move things around then my furniture would also be completely rearranged.
all i can say is that my future husband will have his work cut out for him. hopefully he'll be understanding (like Dave does with Heidi and her rearranging) and just accept my habit of constant reorganization and rearranging that comes with my worry and stress. honestly, it's either focus on that or on you (him). no one wants the latter. and although it may be confusing to arrive home to a completely different looking house, at least it keeps things fresh and unpredictable? haha.
**From the song, The Motion Waltz (Emotional Commotion) by Rufus Wainwright
Waiting to cross the rubicon
Wondering what side I'm on
What are these visions of me as a young man?
With one arm pointed, and the other arm holding your hand
Needing a plan to keep you near
Blowing a horn, so you can hear
If it was only my love and devotion
This world would suddenly be in a state of commotion
Emotional commotion, emotional commotion
Emotional commotion, emotional motion
3 comments:
Dave doesn't even notice when I rearrange.
I hope that you find some peace with all of this. Big hugs!
Sometimes it sucks being the oldest and feeling the need to put on the "everything's ok face". Really sucks.
Awe, I'm sorry friend. I'm definitely in Train's boat in my family as well. I guess we each assume a sort of role during difficult family times. Pull together and know we're praying for you!
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