I will try to describe this without being too specific...but I am "sick" yet again. This time, it's a virus and it's wreaking havoc on my throat...the right side specifically. This means all the glands on the right side of my face/head are swollen which is causing pain in my ear. I've been to the doctor twice in three days and he's given me what he can. It's a virus that generally lasts 10-14 days. That means I treat the symptoms and pray it runs its course quickly.
also. No kissing.
That last part would be more difficult and torturous if I were to, say, have a boyfriend, but thank goodness I dodged that bullet.**
So my days of making out with random strangers are put on hold for now. Instead I am praying that today is the worst of it and counting down the hours till I can reasonably call it a day and drift off to painless sleep with the aid of the unfortunately large pain pill my blessed doctor prescribed for me.
**I could not possibly be more sarcastic than this.
Showing posts with label Venting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Venting. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Further thoughts on current worries
I was thinking about my earlier post and Lauren's comment on it and I realized where I've grown in this department. I'm not good at hiding my emotions or putting on a brave face - the difference now is that I don't expect or need anyone in my family to do those things, I expect them to be feeling the same way I am. When I was younger and dealing with things like this, it made me feel better to see that Lauren and my mom were holding it together - it stressed me out more to see my mom get upset. Now I am more aware of how this is effecting my mom and my Grandad and my other family members. Our worries are the same and that's comforting to me. I can't say no one else feels this way, I can't say I don't have anyone who can understand.
Of course that doesn't mean I don't wish we could all avoid worrying about and feeling these things...because obviously I want more than anything for things to be okay.
Of course that doesn't mean I don't wish we could all avoid worrying about and feeling these things...because obviously I want more than anything for things to be okay.
Emotional Commotion**
lauren kind of alluded to the stuff going on with my Grandmother and mentioned that she might be more worried about it than she is willing to admit. this made me feel so much better because i've been feeling the same way.
it's the type of thing that requires me to be strong FOR other people. i have not perfected this quality in my life. in fact i suck at it....a lot. i'm going to chalk it up to being the youngest and not really having to put on a brave face for any younger siblings. i can be strong for my friends and family, but most often i'm best at it when it doesn't directly effect me emotionally. i've mentioned before that my mom is very careful not to let anyone else tell me difficult things and that, while it's understandable based on my past reactions, it's frustrating because i am no longer 15 years old and can handle things much better than i have been able to in the past.
it doesn't feel like that now. i think, you know what, yeah, she's right to be so careful. i'm a mess. haha. i'm happy she's careful and waits to tell me first and let's me ask my questions and get everything out. then, a couple days pass and i think i'm doing okay, but the next thing happens and i worry some more about new things and the worrying goes up to the next level and i'm just not a fun person to be around. i try to be and i distract myself, but i am not good at hiding how i feel.
i feel worried and mopey and over-emotional. i mean i cleaned last night. cleaned! i threw stuff away like there's no tomorrow. and there's still more to do and i'm happy about it. if i had the luxury of space to move things around then my furniture would also be completely rearranged.
all i can say is that my future husband will have his work cut out for him. hopefully he'll be understanding (like Dave does with Heidi and her rearranging) and just accept my habit of constant reorganization and rearranging that comes with my worry and stress. honestly, it's either focus on that or on you (him). no one wants the latter. and although it may be confusing to arrive home to a completely different looking house, at least it keeps things fresh and unpredictable? haha.
**From the song, The Motion Waltz (Emotional Commotion) by Rufus Wainwright
Waiting to cross the rubicon
Wondering what side I'm on
What are these visions of me as a young man?
With one arm pointed, and the other arm holding your hand
Needing a plan to keep you near
Blowing a horn, so you can hear
If it was only my love and devotion
This world would suddenly be in a state of commotion
Emotional commotion, emotional commotion
Emotional commotion, emotional motion
it's the type of thing that requires me to be strong FOR other people. i have not perfected this quality in my life. in fact i suck at it....a lot. i'm going to chalk it up to being the youngest and not really having to put on a brave face for any younger siblings. i can be strong for my friends and family, but most often i'm best at it when it doesn't directly effect me emotionally. i've mentioned before that my mom is very careful not to let anyone else tell me difficult things and that, while it's understandable based on my past reactions, it's frustrating because i am no longer 15 years old and can handle things much better than i have been able to in the past.
it doesn't feel like that now. i think, you know what, yeah, she's right to be so careful. i'm a mess. haha. i'm happy she's careful and waits to tell me first and let's me ask my questions and get everything out. then, a couple days pass and i think i'm doing okay, but the next thing happens and i worry some more about new things and the worrying goes up to the next level and i'm just not a fun person to be around. i try to be and i distract myself, but i am not good at hiding how i feel.
i feel worried and mopey and over-emotional. i mean i cleaned last night. cleaned! i threw stuff away like there's no tomorrow. and there's still more to do and i'm happy about it. if i had the luxury of space to move things around then my furniture would also be completely rearranged.
all i can say is that my future husband will have his work cut out for him. hopefully he'll be understanding (like Dave does with Heidi and her rearranging) and just accept my habit of constant reorganization and rearranging that comes with my worry and stress. honestly, it's either focus on that or on you (him). no one wants the latter. and although it may be confusing to arrive home to a completely different looking house, at least it keeps things fresh and unpredictable? haha.
**From the song, The Motion Waltz (Emotional Commotion) by Rufus Wainwright
Waiting to cross the rubicon
Wondering what side I'm on
What are these visions of me as a young man?
With one arm pointed, and the other arm holding your hand
Needing a plan to keep you near
Blowing a horn, so you can hear
If it was only my love and devotion
This world would suddenly be in a state of commotion
Emotional commotion, emotional commotion
Emotional commotion, emotional motion
Monday, May 19, 2008
frustration
as i'm fairly certain that no one related to my church callings reads this blog, i am going to vent.
i am frustrated. i'm frustrated that i am on two activities committees. one is more than enough. i'm frustrated that i not only have to plan stake-wide YSA activities, i have to figure out how to get the rest of my committee to actually come to meetings. i'm frustrated that when i plan activities i have to figure out driving distance for everyone involved and whether the activity is alluring enough. i'm frustrated that i can now only think of doing movie and game nights. i'm frustrated that when i present a joint activity to the singles ward activity committee, i hear arguments about the price of gas and how far away things are and things like "I know you all drive an hour to get here every Sunday, but...."
"but" what exactly? "but" we don't care? "but" we certainly won't drive an hour south once every 6 months, that would cost too much money in gas?
i'm frustrated that i have to provide activities for the YSAs of my stake on a bi-monthly basis AND contribute to the activities committee of the ward, also on a bi-monthly basis. i'm frustrated that all of this seems to be expected of me. don't ask questions, don't try to change what we do.
the thing is, things need to change. the ward is supposed to be a combined stake ward for the YSAs from two fairly large stakes. it's a logistical nightmare trying to figure out how to accommodate all of these people from activity to activity. if i hold an activity in a central location, one side complains that an hour is too far to drive, when, for the most part, there are people driving two hours to attend church at the singles ward every Sunday.
i can't pick one group and cater only to them...that's not fulfilling my calling. i don't have the budget for extravagant activities every time - there are going to be quite a few movie and game nights for several reasons - time and money being the two most important.
lastly, i'm frustrated that i just can't seem to get a grasp on these callings. every time i think things will run smoothly, i am proved wrong. every time i try to do something different, a wrench is thrown in the works. i don't have the support system i need (although there are a few adults who encourage me and support me with everything i'm doing and without that encouragement and uplifting words, i would have burned out months ago) to do all of this and that is going to have to change. my involvement in ward activities (as far as contributing and planning) is going to have to decrease. my attendance will be the same, of course, i don't want to be a hypocrite. and now i feel better having put all that out there. now i'll have to get a move on and figure out who i can ask to help me plan and organize things. at least i can say i'm learning a lot about myself and the inner workings of the southern maryland YSA program.
i am frustrated. i'm frustrated that i am on two activities committees. one is more than enough. i'm frustrated that i not only have to plan stake-wide YSA activities, i have to figure out how to get the rest of my committee to actually come to meetings. i'm frustrated that when i plan activities i have to figure out driving distance for everyone involved and whether the activity is alluring enough. i'm frustrated that i can now only think of doing movie and game nights. i'm frustrated that when i present a joint activity to the singles ward activity committee, i hear arguments about the price of gas and how far away things are and things like "I know you all drive an hour to get here every Sunday, but...."
"but" what exactly? "but" we don't care? "but" we certainly won't drive an hour south once every 6 months, that would cost too much money in gas?
i'm frustrated that i have to provide activities for the YSAs of my stake on a bi-monthly basis AND contribute to the activities committee of the ward, also on a bi-monthly basis. i'm frustrated that all of this seems to be expected of me. don't ask questions, don't try to change what we do.
the thing is, things need to change. the ward is supposed to be a combined stake ward for the YSAs from two fairly large stakes. it's a logistical nightmare trying to figure out how to accommodate all of these people from activity to activity. if i hold an activity in a central location, one side complains that an hour is too far to drive, when, for the most part, there are people driving two hours to attend church at the singles ward every Sunday.
i can't pick one group and cater only to them...that's not fulfilling my calling. i don't have the budget for extravagant activities every time - there are going to be quite a few movie and game nights for several reasons - time and money being the two most important.
lastly, i'm frustrated that i just can't seem to get a grasp on these callings. every time i think things will run smoothly, i am proved wrong. every time i try to do something different, a wrench is thrown in the works. i don't have the support system i need (although there are a few adults who encourage me and support me with everything i'm doing and without that encouragement and uplifting words, i would have burned out months ago) to do all of this and that is going to have to change. my involvement in ward activities (as far as contributing and planning) is going to have to decrease. my attendance will be the same, of course, i don't want to be a hypocrite. and now i feel better having put all that out there. now i'll have to get a move on and figure out who i can ask to help me plan and organize things. at least i can say i'm learning a lot about myself and the inner workings of the southern maryland YSA program.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
yucky
This is where I vent (read: whine).
Although it is sunny today, it rained for over 24 hours Sunday and Monday. Hard. Enough to flood Maryland in places, close schools, lose electricity, etc.
My bed is next to a large window in a drafty room.
My throat hurts and my head is cloudy.
Work is easy today, but frustrating because I can't concentrate.
My cheeks are that special kind of rosy - the one that means I feel like crap so you should avoid me.
No one here knows what "that special kind of rosy" means and they aren't avoiding me as they should.
I need a nap.
Although it is sunny today, it rained for over 24 hours Sunday and Monday. Hard. Enough to flood Maryland in places, close schools, lose electricity, etc.
My bed is next to a large window in a drafty room.
My throat hurts and my head is cloudy.
Work is easy today, but frustrating because I can't concentrate.
My cheeks are that special kind of rosy - the one that means I feel like crap so you should avoid me.
No one here knows what "that special kind of rosy" means and they aren't avoiding me as they should.
I need a nap.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
"I could power a small city with my whining."
"He's got the heart of a champion....I don't know what I'm doing with my life! I'm thinking of getting into male modeling, or maybe high finance...I don't know! Like I said, the heart of a champion." (To get the references - go here)
I feel like I've been pretty whiny lately. This is me apologizing for my excessive venting. This is also me saying thank you for listening to me. Really.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Really?
I came across the following while browsing the internet. I can't say I was a huge fan of Katherine Heigl in the first place - sure she is a fine actress, but something about her just kind of bugged me. Like she tries too hard maybe? After reading this, though, my opinion of her took a hit.
Though she grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints, Katherine Heigl says she's "too lazy" too keep up the faith. "I still love the theology of the Mormon religion and I think it is a wonderful way to grow up," the "Knocked Up" actress said in a quote posted to ContactMusic.com. "But I think any real commitment to religion takes time, effort and energy. I just got really lazy, and it's hard to get yourself up on a Sunday morning."
"Too lazy"? Really? I know she is no longer a practicing member of the Church, but to actually use a public forum to talk about this and to say that it was just laziness on her part seems to trivialize the Mormon faith...at least in my opinion. I agree that commitment to a religion takes time - I would even say that commitment to the Mormon religion takes more time than most. I also agree that it's hard to get yourself up on Sunday mornings. But think about it this way: She is an actress. She works on TV. That means she works a set schedule for months and gets a summer hiatus during which she works. Acting and keeping that schedule (along with any appearances and/or interviews you may be obligated to do) takes time, effort and energy. Also, with a schedule like that, I'm sure it's just as difficult to get up on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc.
So what is she really saying? What is she really telling the world? She loves the theology and she thinks it's a wonderful way to grow up - but it's just such hard work? Phooey.
It's not that I am placing judgment in terms of her no longer attending church. She can believe in whatever she wants to believe in. That's totally fine. I just do not like how this statement sounds. Again, I feel that it trivializes something dear to my heart and simply wish she would not give such lame excuses. Just thought I would put that out there. If you love the theology - don't trivialize it during an interview that will be posted for the entire world to see.
**Oh, and don't forget to click on the link for the ultimate annoyance - the quote was accompanied by photos of her smoking.
Though she grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints, Katherine Heigl says she's "too lazy" too keep up the faith. "I still love the theology of the Mormon religion and I think it is a wonderful way to grow up," the "Knocked Up" actress said in a quote posted to ContactMusic.com. "But I think any real commitment to religion takes time, effort and energy. I just got really lazy, and it's hard to get yourself up on a Sunday morning."
"Too lazy"? Really? I know she is no longer a practicing member of the Church, but to actually use a public forum to talk about this and to say that it was just laziness on her part seems to trivialize the Mormon faith...at least in my opinion. I agree that commitment to a religion takes time - I would even say that commitment to the Mormon religion takes more time than most. I also agree that it's hard to get yourself up on Sunday mornings. But think about it this way: She is an actress. She works on TV. That means she works a set schedule for months and gets a summer hiatus during which she works. Acting and keeping that schedule (along with any appearances and/or interviews you may be obligated to do) takes time, effort and energy. Also, with a schedule like that, I'm sure it's just as difficult to get up on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, etc.
So what is she really saying? What is she really telling the world? She loves the theology and she thinks it's a wonderful way to grow up - but it's just such hard work? Phooey.
It's not that I am placing judgment in terms of her no longer attending church. She can believe in whatever she wants to believe in. That's totally fine. I just do not like how this statement sounds. Again, I feel that it trivializes something dear to my heart and simply wish she would not give such lame excuses. Just thought I would put that out there. If you love the theology - don't trivialize it during an interview that will be posted for the entire world to see.
**Oh, and don't forget to click on the link for the ultimate annoyance - the quote was accompanied by photos of her smoking.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Confessions of a Blogger
I read this post the other day (written by Heidi's sister. I totally lurk on her blog) and really liked it. Mostly the microtrends she would like to see occur in the blogging world, which are as follows:
Here are some micro trends I'd like to see emerge:
Confessional blogging.
Blogging about how you hate your parents.
Blogging about free stuff you want to give to me.
Before and after pictures of a room or house you totally trashed.
Blogs about crafts that make themselves.
Blogs about flaws and physical defects.
Blogs that worship me.
Blogs about Guitar Hero.
Blogs that somehow preview and select the best and funniest YouTube videos for me to watch, with links.
I have, for a while now, been slightly annoyed by the rut I have fallen into as a "blogger." I don't like that word, by the way, it's stupid, but I digress. I began blogging as a way of working things out for myself - writing down things that happened or things that bugged me and if no one read it, that was all the better, then I didn't have to get into details of why I was frustrated, upset, happy, sad, etc. Then I switched from LiveJournal and more people started reading my blog. People I know and love. People I interact with on a daily basis. People who might be the source of my frustration. Now, there's no problem if they're the source of my happiness, but I'm not the type to go and write everything down in a public forum when someone has caused me worry or stress knowing full well that someone might read what I have written. But I do want to write it down.
There's the kicker. I suck at journaling - blogging is really a great outlet for me because it's like journaling but it's also keeping in touch with friends and staying up to date on what's happening in their life so when we do talk, it's a little more real. But I don't want to hurt feelings or make matters worse. How can you be honest and really use the blogging world to your advantage and still open yourself up to a community? Confessional blogging really can only come through anonymity - unless you really, truly don't care who reads it and/or what people would think.
Most of the blogs I read contain some amount of venting/confessing/frustration posts - I feel like I, personally, vent quite a bit on my blog - but that's because, as I said before, writing things down helps me figure them out. That's usually when you lucky people get to read posts like this - slightly rambling, somewhat confusing, but ending in some kind of point or resolution. That's when some of you get phone calls for no good reason but to talk things out. They are completely selfish posts/phone calls. Yesterday I wanted to listen to you and hear how you are doing - Today I want you to listen to me. Hopefully that's cool and completely understandable. The amazing thing about venting via blog is you don't really have to read this post and that's okay. I won't know. No blog fairy is going to come tattle on you. If you answer, you answer. If you don't, at least I had the chance to get things off my chest. I guarantee I felt at least a little better the minute I hit "publish post" and didn't really expect anyone to leave a comment. Sometimes there are no comments to leave. That's just that.
It's already pretty clear that I like to have separate blogs for certain topics (Reading Loons, Projects, England, etc.). That's the organizer in me (or more accurately, that's my blogging OCD shining through). So if you see more pop up, don't be surprised. Don't even feel obligated to read them. I feel like experimenting. I may not even share the link. Who knows. I just think it's time to spice things up...so that's what I'm going to do. But I promise I won't be creating the Guitar Hero blog Kacy dreams of - I really really suck at that game.
Here are some micro trends I'd like to see emerge:
Confessional blogging.
Blogging about how you hate your parents.
Blogging about free stuff you want to give to me.
Before and after pictures of a room or house you totally trashed.
Blogs about crafts that make themselves.
Blogs about flaws and physical defects.
Blogs that worship me.
Blogs about Guitar Hero.
Blogs that somehow preview and select the best and funniest YouTube videos for me to watch, with links.
I have, for a while now, been slightly annoyed by the rut I have fallen into as a "blogger." I don't like that word, by the way, it's stupid, but I digress. I began blogging as a way of working things out for myself - writing down things that happened or things that bugged me and if no one read it, that was all the better, then I didn't have to get into details of why I was frustrated, upset, happy, sad, etc. Then I switched from LiveJournal and more people started reading my blog. People I know and love. People I interact with on a daily basis. People who might be the source of my frustration. Now, there's no problem if they're the source of my happiness, but I'm not the type to go and write everything down in a public forum when someone has caused me worry or stress knowing full well that someone might read what I have written. But I do want to write it down.
There's the kicker. I suck at journaling - blogging is really a great outlet for me because it's like journaling but it's also keeping in touch with friends and staying up to date on what's happening in their life so when we do talk, it's a little more real. But I don't want to hurt feelings or make matters worse. How can you be honest and really use the blogging world to your advantage and still open yourself up to a community? Confessional blogging really can only come through anonymity - unless you really, truly don't care who reads it and/or what people would think.
Most of the blogs I read contain some amount of venting/confessing/frustration posts - I feel like I, personally, vent quite a bit on my blog - but that's because, as I said before, writing things down helps me figure them out. That's usually when you lucky people get to read posts like this - slightly rambling, somewhat confusing, but ending in some kind of point or resolution. That's when some of you get phone calls for no good reason but to talk things out. They are completely selfish posts/phone calls. Yesterday I wanted to listen to you and hear how you are doing - Today I want you to listen to me. Hopefully that's cool and completely understandable. The amazing thing about venting via blog is you don't really have to read this post and that's okay. I won't know. No blog fairy is going to come tattle on you. If you answer, you answer. If you don't, at least I had the chance to get things off my chest. I guarantee I felt at least a little better the minute I hit "publish post" and didn't really expect anyone to leave a comment. Sometimes there are no comments to leave. That's just that.
It's already pretty clear that I like to have separate blogs for certain topics (Reading Loons, Projects, England, etc.). That's the organizer in me (or more accurately, that's my blogging OCD shining through). So if you see more pop up, don't be surprised. Don't even feel obligated to read them. I feel like experimenting. I may not even share the link. Who knows. I just think it's time to spice things up...so that's what I'm going to do. But I promise I won't be creating the Guitar Hero blog Kacy dreams of - I really really suck at that game.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
"And you may ask yourself - well...how did I get here?"
I don't really know for sure what the Talking Heads were talking about, all I know is that I can relate to parts of this song right now.
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
Wife
And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?
And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? ...am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!...what have I done?
I was just thinking "aren't I supposed to be out doing fabulous things and living a terribly exciting life just about now?". Seriously. Aren't I? I'd like to think my adventure last year was not my last. If I'm going to be single, I refuse to miss out on the selfish opportunities that affords me.
Having said that, I think I am missing out on the selfish opportunities being single affords me.
I work a lot to be able to afford a somewhat independent and comfortable lifestyle. I am more tired than a 24 year old ought to be. I feel like I am sick all the time. I want to be able to just help my family when they need it - but I feel like that might work against me at work. But working so much is working against me at home. I get home and have so much I WANT to do, but I have so little energy and not enough piece of mind to be able to enjoy doing it.
This week I stayed at my sisters and watched my nephew over nights. I pushed myself to really get some work done on her apartment so she could bring the baby home to an organized and clean space. I knew she would appreciate it and it made me truly happy to be able to do it. It was the only way I could help and I was proud of the hard work I put into it and what I ended up accomplishing. I don't put this out there to brag or for praise - I put it out there because somehow, committing to that act of service seemed to put other parts of my life into a tail spin. Why does that always seem to be the case?
I always seem to have a problem with balance. I really think that has been a problem for me most of my life. If one area is doing great, another area is falling apart or lacking. Maybe I expect to much? I already know I have a problem saying no to things, but I have been working on that lately and am really only fulfilling my most necessary and important commitments.
I am upholding my side of the bargain I made to my landlords by paying rent and babysitting.
I am supporting my family members to the best of my capabilities.
I am fulfilling my church calling and living by the standards of the church to the best of my abilities.
The problem is, these three things encompass so much more, and may be more than I can handle.
I've been feeling the need for some changes. I have been dreaming of making some rather big and drastic ones, but I lack the financial stability to follow through on them.
This is where we get to my second, most common problem. I am TOO responsible. I have always been responsible, mature, dependable. I get to places on time, I take charge, I am the one to rely on. I hate all of these things about myself. They seem to only bring strife. I know I am being melodramatic, but I don't care at the moment. My point is, that instead of just being a responsible person, I FEEL responsible FOR things and people.
Finally, my last problem for the moment (I have an entirely separate matter that is, frankly, the cause of this whole post, but I just can't type it all out at this point) is that I made the decision to move home confidently and through prayer. I love being near my family, I enjoy my job more than any other job I've had before, I have my own place to live, and I am doing a somewhat successful job at paying for my own lifestyle. I wouldn't have been able to afford my own apartment or a new car if I had stayed in Utah - not to mention that 4 week trip to Europe last year. I don't regret that decision. I think it was important for me to stay in Utah and I think the last two years have really helped me to grow - but I also feel like my progression is stalling. I'm working so hard to keep up, but am only treading water.
Do I take things too seriously? Am I over-reacting or being over emotional? Do I really just need a nice, long vacation without stress or sickness like I keep reassuring myself? I know I really am still moving forward - I just don't know if I am moving forward to where I WANT to be. I am not sure I really know where that is anymore. Maybe it's changed, maybe it hasn't, maybe I just need to figure out a new way to get there.
**and here's a disclaimer for my sissie. This post was not written to worry you or stress you out - only as a means to get what's going on inside my head out of my head so I can make sense of it. hug kiss.**
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful
Wife
And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?
And you may ask yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
Same as it ever was...same as it ever was...
And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? ...am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!...what have I done?
I was just thinking "aren't I supposed to be out doing fabulous things and living a terribly exciting life just about now?". Seriously. Aren't I? I'd like to think my adventure last year was not my last. If I'm going to be single, I refuse to miss out on the selfish opportunities that affords me.
Having said that, I think I am missing out on the selfish opportunities being single affords me.
I work a lot to be able to afford a somewhat independent and comfortable lifestyle. I am more tired than a 24 year old ought to be. I feel like I am sick all the time. I want to be able to just help my family when they need it - but I feel like that might work against me at work. But working so much is working against me at home. I get home and have so much I WANT to do, but I have so little energy and not enough piece of mind to be able to enjoy doing it.
This week I stayed at my sisters and watched my nephew over nights. I pushed myself to really get some work done on her apartment so she could bring the baby home to an organized and clean space. I knew she would appreciate it and it made me truly happy to be able to do it. It was the only way I could help and I was proud of the hard work I put into it and what I ended up accomplishing. I don't put this out there to brag or for praise - I put it out there because somehow, committing to that act of service seemed to put other parts of my life into a tail spin. Why does that always seem to be the case?
I always seem to have a problem with balance. I really think that has been a problem for me most of my life. If one area is doing great, another area is falling apart or lacking. Maybe I expect to much? I already know I have a problem saying no to things, but I have been working on that lately and am really only fulfilling my most necessary and important commitments.
I am upholding my side of the bargain I made to my landlords by paying rent and babysitting.
I am supporting my family members to the best of my capabilities.
I am fulfilling my church calling and living by the standards of the church to the best of my abilities.
The problem is, these three things encompass so much more, and may be more than I can handle.
I've been feeling the need for some changes. I have been dreaming of making some rather big and drastic ones, but I lack the financial stability to follow through on them.
This is where we get to my second, most common problem. I am TOO responsible. I have always been responsible, mature, dependable. I get to places on time, I take charge, I am the one to rely on. I hate all of these things about myself. They seem to only bring strife. I know I am being melodramatic, but I don't care at the moment. My point is, that instead of just being a responsible person, I FEEL responsible FOR things and people.
Finally, my last problem for the moment (I have an entirely separate matter that is, frankly, the cause of this whole post, but I just can't type it all out at this point) is that I made the decision to move home confidently and through prayer. I love being near my family, I enjoy my job more than any other job I've had before, I have my own place to live, and I am doing a somewhat successful job at paying for my own lifestyle. I wouldn't have been able to afford my own apartment or a new car if I had stayed in Utah - not to mention that 4 week trip to Europe last year. I don't regret that decision. I think it was important for me to stay in Utah and I think the last two years have really helped me to grow - but I also feel like my progression is stalling. I'm working so hard to keep up, but am only treading water.
Do I take things too seriously? Am I over-reacting or being over emotional? Do I really just need a nice, long vacation without stress or sickness like I keep reassuring myself? I know I really am still moving forward - I just don't know if I am moving forward to where I WANT to be. I am not sure I really know where that is anymore. Maybe it's changed, maybe it hasn't, maybe I just need to figure out a new way to get there.
**and here's a disclaimer for my sissie. This post was not written to worry you or stress you out - only as a means to get what's going on inside my head out of my head so I can make sense of it. hug kiss.**
Friday, December 14, 2007
Bragging and other things...
In reply to this post, I am going to say, Yes. Yes, I am an amazing sister. Mostly because not only am I taking on the responsibility of my favorite and most adorable boy for the majority of this weekend while still fulfilling other obligations that were previously made, one of which includes babysitting twin 5 year olds and a 4 month old baby - I am doing all of this with the added pleasure of a sinus infection.
That's right. ANOTHER sinus infection. I think that makes it 5 rounds of antibiotics in just as many months. It's become normal for me to feel this way. It's to the point that I can't even TELL when I am actually sick anymore...I just wake up one morning feeling kind of icky and think, maybe I should go to the doctor just in case. I get in there and turns out I have a fever, fluid in both ears, and inflamed throat and nose.
How do I walk around like that and still function normally, I ask you?! I've come to the conclusion that it's conditioning. My body is used to feeling like crap so much so that feeling like crap is registering as feeling normal. Headaches? They are constant. The only thing that got me to the doctor today was the new shooting-pain-behind-my-eyeball-headache that was keeping me from being able to concentrate on anything else. And yet again, I leave the doctor's office with a prescription of antibiotics and a medicine regimen to follow for the next 10 days. Hopefully this new full-scale attack we are trying will clear my head - then my only job is to keep my head clear.
All in all - chronic sinus pain is not cool and I do not look forward to having to deal with this for the rest of my life.
But I am looking forward to this weekend - especially after seeing Monkey last night. He was being way too cute.
That's right. ANOTHER sinus infection. I think that makes it 5 rounds of antibiotics in just as many months. It's become normal for me to feel this way. It's to the point that I can't even TELL when I am actually sick anymore...I just wake up one morning feeling kind of icky and think, maybe I should go to the doctor just in case. I get in there and turns out I have a fever, fluid in both ears, and inflamed throat and nose.
How do I walk around like that and still function normally, I ask you?! I've come to the conclusion that it's conditioning. My body is used to feeling like crap so much so that feeling like crap is registering as feeling normal. Headaches? They are constant. The only thing that got me to the doctor today was the new shooting-pain-behind-my-eyeball-headache that was keeping me from being able to concentrate on anything else. And yet again, I leave the doctor's office with a prescription of antibiotics and a medicine regimen to follow for the next 10 days. Hopefully this new full-scale attack we are trying will clear my head - then my only job is to keep my head clear.
All in all - chronic sinus pain is not cool and I do not look forward to having to deal with this for the rest of my life.
But I am looking forward to this weekend - especially after seeing Monkey last night. He was being way too cute.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Today...
...is monday.
...I made bad lunch choices.
...is never ending.
...I miss my friends.
...I want snugglies from my Monkey.
...I am still hungry due to previously mentioned bad lunch choices.
...I made bad lunch choices.
...is never ending.
...I miss my friends.
...I want snugglies from my Monkey.
...I am still hungry due to previously mentioned bad lunch choices.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Perfect Timing
I think my sister summed it up best when she told me (via text) that soon I will be in Utah with people who adore me.
I need this week of people who know me and like me anyway. People who I clicked with the second we said hello. People who understand my sarcasm, my humor, my self doubt and all my craziness.
I can't wait to see you guys. For Really.
I need this week of people who know me and like me anyway. People who I clicked with the second we said hello. People who understand my sarcasm, my humor, my self doubt and all my craziness.
I can't wait to see you guys. For Really.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Under the Weather
What does this phrase mean?
Wikipedia says that "Under the weather" "is an alternative rock song performed by Scottish singer KT Tunstall". While I am sure that this is true, this was not the definition I was aiming for.
The lovely people at goenglish.com have this to say:
To say that someone is "under the weather" is to say that they are not feeling very well. Example: "What's wrong?" Answer: "I'm a bit under the weather." They probably have a simple cold or flu which will go away quickly. Example: "It's nothing serious; I'm just a bit under the weather." Being "under the weather" reminds us that a quick change in the weather can affect our health and the way we feel.
That's pretty accurate. However, I also learned this fun, new fact from thefreedictionary.com
under the weather
1. Somewhat indisposed; slightly ill.
2. Slang
a. Intoxicated; drunk.
b. Suffering from a hangover.
I didn't know that the hip young kids were using the phrase "under the weather" nowadays to inform their homies of their insobriety. How 1820ish of them! I'm sure their great great great grandparents are ever so proud as they watch them stumble off curbs, get into drunken pub brawls over drunken pub ladies, and wake up the next morning unable to function like a normal human being.
But I digress...
I have been feeling "under the weather" (as defined by goenglish.com) for the past two weeks. First, it was headaches, brought on my multiple and fairly quick changes in weather (I try to love the Fall but it does not love me). Then, it was a persistent sore throat...never really moving on to anything that felt or looked bad enough to consult a doctor. Finally, I just went to the doctor because I was tired of feeling like crap. Of course, as always, I had a sinus infection. I am used to having sinus infections. They have become part of my life...so much so that I have trouble telling the difference between when I am really healthy and when I have one. It's like another limb. If they went away, would I miss them like I would miss, say, my arm? Definitely not. I would rejoice. I would throw a party and invite everyone I know to come celebrate with me.
So, after missing two and half days of work, I went home Friday afternoon to get some more sleep and let the antibiotics do their work. I felt better that night and Saturday wasn't bad either. I got plenty of rest and my sore throat was completely gone, though the head and ear aches were still there. I went to babysit for a friend who was going to a wedding. She has two kids, a boy (4) and a girl (19 months). The girl is as sweet as the boy is wild. I wasn't really sure about this combination...but they both ended up behaving very well overall. Unfortunately, their bed time was set at 10pm....at the earliest. seriously. They weren't whiny or obnoxious, which was good, but I was getting pretty darn tired myself and knew the bedtime routine would probably not go as smoothly as if their parents were there. I was right. The precious little things finally passed out around midnight and I followed suit shortly after.
I should mention here that this sunday was our ward's primary program. The program the kids have been preparing for all year and the program I have spent the last two sundays sitting through. I was pretty excited for my kids to be able to get up and say their parts and sing the songs in front of the congregation. So, I was going to get the two I was babysitting (who are not old enough to be in the primary program and don't go to church really all that often anyway) ready and to church in plenty of time to do my part in the program and see my class shine like the amazing 6 year olds they are. Unfortunately, I woke up with a stomach flu. The end. that's it. I missed the program and let the kids sleep in till 10 AM while I cleaned up the mess I made then I turned on cartoons and laid down on the couch till their parents got home. I was in and out of naps all afternoon (don't worry, I did feed the kids), but luckily, they both decided to be ANGELS and not burn the house down or hit each other or really make any noise at all. They played nicely and took turns and randomly just laid down and chilled for 20 minutes here or there. It was amazing. I even woke up once to find Babygirl all cuddled up with me on the couch, which made me feel a little better.
Of course, now I am writing this from work (after having missed yet another day...so much for saved time off for my trip in November) and wishing I could go home and take a nap. I can eat a little and now i'm pretty sure my headaches are from lack of food...but i'm still not quite 100%. Being sick is no fun and usually I'm a trooper. Just give me a day to sleep and I will work through the rest of it. But not this time...I was just bombarded! I can't tell you how much I've slept the last week and still all I want to do is sleep AND I'm still finding that I can go to bed at 8 PM and sleep peacefully through till my alarm goes off at 7 AM. Ugh. Hopefully all of this will improve by the end of this week. I am tired of being tired!! haha.
So there is my last week in a nutshell(ish). There is the reason for my lack of blogs/comments/emails/texts/showing any signs of life.
Wikipedia says that "Under the weather" "is an alternative rock song performed by Scottish singer KT Tunstall". While I am sure that this is true, this was not the definition I was aiming for.
The lovely people at goenglish.com have this to say:
To say that someone is "under the weather" is to say that they are not feeling very well. Example: "What's wrong?" Answer: "I'm a bit under the weather." They probably have a simple cold or flu which will go away quickly. Example: "It's nothing serious; I'm just a bit under the weather." Being "under the weather" reminds us that a quick change in the weather can affect our health and the way we feel.
That's pretty accurate. However, I also learned this fun, new fact from thefreedictionary.com
under the weather
1. Somewhat indisposed; slightly ill.
2. Slang
a. Intoxicated; drunk.
b. Suffering from a hangover.
I didn't know that the hip young kids were using the phrase "under the weather" nowadays to inform their homies of their insobriety. How 1820ish of them! I'm sure their great great great grandparents are ever so proud as they watch them stumble off curbs, get into drunken pub brawls over drunken pub ladies, and wake up the next morning unable to function like a normal human being.
But I digress...
I have been feeling "under the weather" (as defined by goenglish.com) for the past two weeks. First, it was headaches, brought on my multiple and fairly quick changes in weather (I try to love the Fall but it does not love me). Then, it was a persistent sore throat...never really moving on to anything that felt or looked bad enough to consult a doctor. Finally, I just went to the doctor because I was tired of feeling like crap. Of course, as always, I had a sinus infection. I am used to having sinus infections. They have become part of my life...so much so that I have trouble telling the difference between when I am really healthy and when I have one. It's like another limb. If they went away, would I miss them like I would miss, say, my arm? Definitely not. I would rejoice. I would throw a party and invite everyone I know to come celebrate with me.
So, after missing two and half days of work, I went home Friday afternoon to get some more sleep and let the antibiotics do their work. I felt better that night and Saturday wasn't bad either. I got plenty of rest and my sore throat was completely gone, though the head and ear aches were still there. I went to babysit for a friend who was going to a wedding. She has two kids, a boy (4) and a girl (19 months). The girl is as sweet as the boy is wild. I wasn't really sure about this combination...but they both ended up behaving very well overall. Unfortunately, their bed time was set at 10pm....at the earliest. seriously. They weren't whiny or obnoxious, which was good, but I was getting pretty darn tired myself and knew the bedtime routine would probably not go as smoothly as if their parents were there. I was right. The precious little things finally passed out around midnight and I followed suit shortly after.
I should mention here that this sunday was our ward's primary program. The program the kids have been preparing for all year and the program I have spent the last two sundays sitting through. I was pretty excited for my kids to be able to get up and say their parts and sing the songs in front of the congregation. So, I was going to get the two I was babysitting (who are not old enough to be in the primary program and don't go to church really all that often anyway) ready and to church in plenty of time to do my part in the program and see my class shine like the amazing 6 year olds they are. Unfortunately, I woke up with a stomach flu. The end. that's it. I missed the program and let the kids sleep in till 10 AM while I cleaned up the mess I made then I turned on cartoons and laid down on the couch till their parents got home. I was in and out of naps all afternoon (don't worry, I did feed the kids), but luckily, they both decided to be ANGELS and not burn the house down or hit each other or really make any noise at all. They played nicely and took turns and randomly just laid down and chilled for 20 minutes here or there. It was amazing. I even woke up once to find Babygirl all cuddled up with me on the couch, which made me feel a little better.
Of course, now I am writing this from work (after having missed yet another day...so much for saved time off for my trip in November) and wishing I could go home and take a nap. I can eat a little and now i'm pretty sure my headaches are from lack of food...but i'm still not quite 100%. Being sick is no fun and usually I'm a trooper. Just give me a day to sleep and I will work through the rest of it. But not this time...I was just bombarded! I can't tell you how much I've slept the last week and still all I want to do is sleep AND I'm still finding that I can go to bed at 8 PM and sleep peacefully through till my alarm goes off at 7 AM. Ugh. Hopefully all of this will improve by the end of this week. I am tired of being tired!! haha.
So there is my last week in a nutshell(ish). There is the reason for my lack of blogs/comments/emails/texts/showing any signs of life.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Men on a mission...
Um...saw a link for this and curiosity pulled me in. Apparently they have made a calendar with 12 RMs posing shirtless (juxtaposed with pictures of them as missionaries...tags, scriptures, etc.). First of all, the interviewer is a little awkward...especially at the end. Second of all, listen to the participant's answers to the questions he is asked. Justification, anyone? Finally, they talk about changing the world's perception of Mormons...to me this just tells the world that we are willing to push aside our standards as long as it's for charity.
Don't get me wrong, these guys are good looking in both pictures...but as a female member of the church, the goal is not to find a guy who looks great with his shirt off but to find a guy who is faithful and strong and committed to always representing the church, even after he has served his mission. Of course, I won't be complaining if I happen to find a combination of the two...as long as he hasn't posed for this calendar.
And, as a side note, I'm not saying that participating in this makes these guys BAD missionaries or bad members - I just don't think it has anything to do with representing the church in a good way. How can you bring across that these men are not CURRENT missionaries upon an initial look at the calendar? You can't. The lines here are just a little too blurry for my taste.
Let me know what you think.
Tasteful?
Don't get me wrong, these guys are good looking in both pictures...but as a female member of the church, the goal is not to find a guy who looks great with his shirt off but to find a guy who is faithful and strong and committed to always representing the church, even after he has served his mission. Of course, I won't be complaining if I happen to find a combination of the two...as long as he hasn't posed for this calendar.
And, as a side note, I'm not saying that participating in this makes these guys BAD missionaries or bad members - I just don't think it has anything to do with representing the church in a good way. How can you bring across that these men are not CURRENT missionaries upon an initial look at the calendar? You can't. The lines here are just a little too blurry for my taste.
Let me know what you think.
Tasteful?
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
no thank you
i've decided that should anything else intense and sucky happen in the next few days i do not want to hear about it. i'm done now. i need a break. i need 25 carefree days in a foreign land.....good thing england is only 14 glorious days away.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Let It Snow
or not. snow? seriously? on april 7th in maryland?! i mean i could understand this in utah, but the weather was all nice and sunny and so warm here just on wednesday! and now the earth is covered in cold, wet snow...not even the type you can play in...just the type that makes everything you do more difficult. boo snow.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
i gotta get out of here....
i am so not happy right now. i am in one of those "if i say anything right now to a certain someone that certain someone will not be happy when i am done but i am forced to stay in the same room as this certain someone and i feel like my head is going to explode with anger" type of moods. there are so many reasons for this mood that i am just tired of going over them. maybe it's just because i needed the decisions i have to make to be easier - today has definitely accomplished that. no looking back now - i just need to remember that i have to do what is best for me...i don't have a family to look after just yet...i am a solo act and it will be that way for who knows how long...so there it is.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Hanging around...downtown by myself...
well, not so much downtown as Krissie's house, but whatev. i just felt like posting - i have nothing in particular to say really so i thought i would just sit down and type whatever popped into my pretty little head. i'm a good rambler so it shouldn't be too difficult. i've been thinking about a lot of things lately; my role in my family, what i'm doing with my life, how i've changed since high school, making decisions and sticking with them no matter what, taking chances, making changes, trying to be more comfortable with myself, knowing what to say to keep up with a primary class of five year olds, trying to figure out how to comfort those around me that may need it, practicing patience and kindness and love even when i don't feel like being patient or kind or loving....
all of these things run through my head at some point during the day. maybe i think too much about things. but then i think, maybe i don't think about them enough. am i taking my life seriously enough? the conclusion i come to is this....if i am doing the things i am supposed to be doing, namely serving the Lord, loving my family and friends, and taking care of myself physically and spiritually then everything will fall into place - everything will turn out appropriately. i just have to keep working until things start to fall into place - and i guess i just assumed they would have fallen into place sooner. i suppose i keep waiting for things to just "click" and they haven't yet. i'm still learning and i'm still searching - for what i have no idea....hopefully i will know when i find it.
all of these things run through my head at some point during the day. maybe i think too much about things. but then i think, maybe i don't think about them enough. am i taking my life seriously enough? the conclusion i come to is this....if i am doing the things i am supposed to be doing, namely serving the Lord, loving my family and friends, and taking care of myself physically and spiritually then everything will fall into place - everything will turn out appropriately. i just have to keep working until things start to fall into place - and i guess i just assumed they would have fallen into place sooner. i suppose i keep waiting for things to just "click" and they haven't yet. i'm still learning and i'm still searching - for what i have no idea....hopefully i will know when i find it.
Monday, February 26, 2007
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